Learning To See Oneself
Right before the pandemic hit, I took on a self-portrait project. Capturing self-portraits was an assignment we had in high school photography class, and it ended up being an impactful one. But for some reason it was a concept I shoved to the back of my mind for the subsequent decades.
self-portrait circa 1999
For whatever reason in early 2020, I decided to take them up again. I think it was a mixture of realizing there weren’t many pictures of me out in the world and my kids were growing increasingly weary of getting in front of my camera, so I needed a willing subject.
It also recognize it as an exercise in stepping in FRONT of the camera. As a portrait photographer, I am far more comfortable behind it. I spend my time telling clients what to do in front of it, and try to assure them they might feel silly, but they look amazing. And yet, I was wildly uncomfortable in front of my own lens.
a film soup blind double exposure
2021 rolled around and I went full bore into the project. I thought I was so passionate about them because I was in search of finding my voice, but I came to learn it was so much more than that.
In late in 2021 a therapist walked me through an exercise in ‘seeing’ myself. The initial image that came to mind during our exercise was a self-portrait, and by the time we were done with the exercise, it was glaringly apparent that the self-portrait work I had undertaken was not just about finding my voice. It was a truly therapeutic process of learning to see myself.
The image that came to mind during the exercise. All black, head turned away from the camera, arms behind as if about to take off into flight.
2022 has brought lots of continued change, but also continued healing. Self-portraits have been a visual diary of my process of seeing myself. I take personality tests with a grain of salt, but the enneagram 4 in me is very misunderstood (LOL. It’s fine to roll your eyes; I am.) and putting these images out into the world feels simultaneously terrifying (will people understand what I’m doing or saying? Will it just be seen as some sort of vanity project?) but also rewarding as other people have entered into my words and images and have resonated with them.
blind double exposure
When we tap into our own selves, whether through meditation, reflection, words, or image, we are really tapping into the universal experience of humanity, because the human experience isn’t all that unique. Our pains and joys and triumphs and defeats unify us if we’re willing to open up about them. The outpouring of your experience will inevitably connect with anyone who has the willingness to listen.
Ultimately that’s what art in any form is. It’s the universal language of what it is to be human. And it gives us the power to see.
